HIGH EQ

My kids go to a Thai school. It was a big decision, well thought through (we thought so anyway), but recently someone told us that it was the wrong decision - my children will not develop good EQ at a Thai school ...

Firstly I wonder how arrogant is that!? Surely there are plenty, and when I say "plenty" I mean literally "millions", of Thai people with high EQ? But, secondly, being me, I started doubting myself and our decision. So thirdly, I started reading up everything I could find on developing my children's EQ.

Emotional Intelligence. It's the ability of a human being to manage his/her emotions in a healthy way. Apparently it will determine the quality of my children's lives in a far more fundamental way than their IQ will. So, OK, yes, its important. I need to start building my darlings' EQ.

Actually having read up, lots of it is common sense, it's not rocket-science. It's just the actual implementation that's hard.

So here are my reminders, the things that hit home ...

1. Teach the children that although they cannot choose their feelings, they CAN choose what they do with them. If Jonty is angry, then he's angry. If he is disappointed, then he is disappointed. I need to acknowledge his feelings, but teach him that even though he is unhappy or angry or disappointed, he can still choose how he behaves. I tried it at D.K Books yesterday. It worked!
   
2. Empathise. Empathy seems to be the golden rule. It teaches that emotions are not dangerous or shameful, but manageable.
   
3. Do not distract them from their feelings. Acknowledge, empathise, show/talk about what happened, and give them time to process i.e. don't tell Jonty that "big boys don't cry." Easier said than done. This one is going to be a challenge, especially as the technique I use with Nina is definitely still distraction....
   
4. Don't disapprove of fear or anger - it will just cause them to repress those feelings. And repressed feelings are ALWAYS looking for a way out. Oh dear, I heartily, heartily disapprove of anger, but, fine, I need to allow them to express it. Good thing point 5 is:
   
5. Teach them how to handle anger constructively. And when they're angry look UNDER the anger for the fear or hurt. Anger, is - apparently - almost always a front for fear.
   
6. This is a really scary bit: Remember that they will learn what I model. Don't let my own feelings get out of hand. Every time I yell or shout, the fault is MINE. I did not intervene in an effective way before yelling was necessary.
   
7. Give them time to bring up what is bothering them. One expert suggested a few quiet minutes (yeah right, not in our house!) at bedtime in the dark.... But, its a good point, on Sunday I took Emily shopping. She told me that she was being bullied by one kid at school. (She could even tell me where he sat in relation to her desk, so I know it was not one of her tall stories.) It only came out because we were alone and chatting about things important to us.
   

There were other points, but these 7 are enough for me to concentrate on for now. This is a gentle reminder for myself. And for Nick, the love of my life, who dutifully reads all my blogs and helps me stay sane.